


It's a Small, Small World

by girlinstory



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Everyone Needs A Hug, Gen, Honestly not as dark as it sounds, Humor, Mentions of Suicide, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, and so much therapy, it's a small world, mentions of dentistry, therapy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 16:47:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16601789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlinstory/pseuds/girlinstory
Summary: The Avengers only started group therapy because Bucky had come to live at the tower, but most of them agreed it was long overdue. Well, most of their significant others agreed it was long overdue. Tony complained, Thor asked if he should bring the mead, Bruce sighed, and Natasha smirked in a way that reminded them all how good she was at reverse interrogations.





	1. Chapter 1

The Avengers only started group therapy because Bucky had come to live at the tower, but most of them agreed it was long overdue. Well, most of their significant others agreed it was long overdue. Tony complained, Thor asked if he should bring the mead, Bruce sighed, and Natasha smirked in a way that reminded them all how good she was at reverse interrogations.

Bucky agreed, because Bucky agreed to everything these days.

Steve went first. Dr. Roen asked him what he thought of the future. Steve kept talking about the things he missed, like Astroland at Coney Island, seeing Casablanca at the Paramount Theater for 24 cents one night, and then hearing Ella Fitzgerald sing there the next. When he realized he was rambling, he got so flustered that he actually said the words, "I like what you've done with the place."

Tony spent the next five minutes laughing, even though they were being charged by the hour. It was his money. For all Tony had complained, he'd been the one to spend a day interviewing therapists. Well, he'd spent an hour interviewing therapists before he tried to make one box with Happy and Pepper had to take over. Natasha had looked vaguely flattered when she found out. Bucky figured if these people thought he was crazy, he must be worse than he thought.

Dr. Roen asked Tony about his father. She asked Thor about Loki. She asked Bruce about the Other Guy. She asked Natasha about... Bucky wasn't sure, but by the end of her turn, he knew Dr. Roen's social security number.

He spent their turns half-listening and half-preparing himself to talk about Hydra.

Dr. Roen finally turned to him. "Bucky, I understand it's been hard for you to adjust to life at the Tower. Do you want to talk about it?"

Bucky didn't want to talk about it, because it was hard. It was hard remembering to eat, and talk, and not assume the position for punishment whenever he did something wrong. It was hard avoiding Natasha, who Bucky was pretty sure knew more about him than he did himself. It was hard avoiding Steve, who Bucky was positive knew more about him than he did himself. It was hard avoiding Tony, with whom things had been awkward ever since their first proper meeting when Bucky had offered to let Tony shoot him. He kind of wished Tony had taken him up on it.

Bucky knew that life shouldn't have seemed easier during a depression, during a war, but it did. Life even seemed easier with Hydra, and that thought made him want to shoot himself. At least Hydra hadn't made him choose between regular or cinnamon oatmeal. At least Hydra hadn't made him talk about his feelings. At least Hydra hadn't made him feel. (The guilt, oh, god, the guilt, I'msosorryStevieHowardMariaMaGod.)

At least he didn't have to see Steve's sad expression whenever Bucky did something wrong, and then see it grow even sadder when Bucky assumed the position for punishment.

He'd prepared himself to talk about Hydra. He hadn't prepared himself for this. He could feel his breath coming faster, and everyone but Natasha looked concerned. Natasha gave him a little nod, and the word came out before he knew what it was going to be.

"No."

Bucky was about to assume the position for punishment when Dr. Roen said, "Okay."

She and Natasha looked pleased. Everyone else still looked a little concerned, except for Tony who looked put out.

"Is that allowed? I didn't know that was allowed. That's not fair. I had to get all emotional about my lost youth."

"If you ever lost your youth, I'm pretty sure you found it again," said Bruce.

"Did you ever say 'no' while you were in captivity?" Dr. Roen asked Bucky.

"No," said Bucky. "Well, sometimes I screamed it."

Everyone winced, except for Steve, who flinched.

"Did they stop when you screamed 'no'?" she asked.

"No," Bucky said again. It was fast becoming his new favorite word. "They never listened to me when I screamed. I said a lot of things that didn't make any sense."

"Like what?"

"Like God," he said. "And some Russian swear words I overheard from the guards. Russian swearing is strange. They call each other Гондон."

"Condom," Natasha translated.

"And what did they call you?" asked Dr. Roen.

"Блядь," said Bucky.

Natasha didn't translate that one. Bucky didn't know if Dr. Roen spoke Russian, but she made a note in her phone. She probably did. That seemed like the kind of detail Pepper wouldn't overlook

"Okay," she said, swiping back to the home screen to check the time. "That just about wraps up our session. Now, Bucky, I usually like to give homework after my sessions. For example, I've asked my patients to write a list of things that make them happy."

For some reason, Steve looked at Sam and smiled. Bucky felt unreasonably jealous until both of them looked at him and smiled. Then he just felt confused.

"I was planning on giving you homework, but you've already completed it," Dr. Roen was saying.

"I have?"

"I was going to have you say 'no' to something."

"Oh," said Bucky. He was actually a little disappointed that he didn't have homework. He remembered that he had actually liked school, but he'd guarded that secret closer than he'd ever guarded intel during the war.

"Do you want extra credit?" asked Dr. Roen.

Bucky almost said 'no' again, just because he could. He also didn't want to give up his secret. He was pretty sure grown men were allowed to admit that they had liked school, but he had so few secrets these days that he was loathe to lose any.

Dr. Roen looked between him and Steve. "Did you have extra credit in the thirties?"

"Yeah, we had extra credit," said Steve. "Thank god, or I would never have passed Ms. Fleischman's class."

Bucky frowned. He remembered how embarrassed Steve had been to ask Ms. Fleischman for the extra credit. Steve had not liked school very much.

"You required extra credit because you were absent due to illness, not due to mental defect." Steve looked sad, and Bucky realized he was talking like the Soldier again. He forced his frown into a smile. "Even someone as dumb as you coulda' passed Ms. Fleischman's class."

"Well, sure," said Steve. "You did."

Then Bucky's smile wasn't forced. "Hey, I'm not the one who needed all the extra credit."

"Jerk."

"Punk."

Dr. Roen looked surprised.

"He's different with Steve," Bruce explained.

"No," said Bucky. "Not different. Not a different person. Not anymore. Just a more comfortable person."

"Well, why don't we make that your extra credit?" said Dr. Roen. "You can write a list of anything that would make you more comfortable during our next session, if you decide to come back."

"If I decided to come back?"

"It's your choice."

Bucky's already thinking of things, like holding the sessions in a less sterile setting, and not having to call her 'doctor,' and getting warned about what she's going to ask him.

"Anything?" he asks.

"Anything," said Dr. Roen.

"What if the only thing that makes me comfortable is the song from It's a Small World?"

Steve let out a surprised laugh. It was nice to know Bucky could make him feel something other than sad.

"We could accommodate that," said Dr. Roen.

"I was just-" The word failed him. Sometimes English did. "шутят."

"Joking," Natasha translated.

It wasn't like Hydra had ever sent Bucky to Disneyland, but they had sent him to kill an ironworker (he still wasn't sure why) named James Hynes who was preparing the It's a Small World pavilion for the 1964 World Fair, and not even the chair had been able to get that damn song out of his head afterwards.

"I want each of you to complete the homework as well."

"Saying 'no'?" Tony looked hopeful.

"I don't think you have any trouble with that," said Bruce.

"Listing anything that would make our sessions more comfortable for you," Dr. Roen clarified. "You've all had some very difficult experiences, and it shouldn't have taken what is literally the worst case of PTSD in the history of the world to make you seek therapy. So I want you to come back. Tell me what I need to do to make that happen. Class dismissed."

The Avengers all looked suitably chastised, except for Thor who had taken out a notebook. Bucky looked over his shoulder.

HOMEWORK

1\. MEAD

Steve stood and headed to the door so that he could hold it open for Dr. Roen. Bucky snorted and followed him.

After they'd walked the doctor out of the tower, Steve turned to Bucky. "So what do you think, buddy? You want to go back? It's like the Doc said. It's your choice."

"Hey." Bucky shrugged. "If that's what it takes to get you crazy lugs into therapy."

Behind them someone started singing softly, "Какой же маленький этот мир."

"Oh, god, please stop," said Bucky. "It's bad enough in English."

"Гондон," Natasha called him, but she was obviously шутят, and suddenly it didn't seem so hard anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

It was their fifth session with Dr. Roen. They were meeting in the Avengers common room, they were allowed to call her Samantha, she was wearing jeans, and Thor had brought mead.

"I understand that for this session you want to focus on team bonding," said Samantha.

Steve nodded earnestly while the rest of the Avengers groaned.

"Let's talk about events after the bombing in Vienna. Everyone was involved in the conflict that followed, but why don't we start with Bucky and Tony?

Tony crossed his arms in what he probably thought was a casual gesture. "We forgave each other. It was all very touching. Steve cried."

"So the two of you already discussed it?"

"God, no. We're men. We played Mario Kart Battle mode, where friendships are made and destroyed. I told you Steve cried. I didn't say why."

"Do you think it might be a good idea to discuss it?"

"What's to discuss? I've seen the mission footage. Barnes has seen it live. No need for a 'previously on.' We're all caught up and ready to binge."

"Bucky. Do you agree?"

Bucky hesitated. "With which part?"

Samantha looked down at her notes like they might explain what Bucky meant. When they didn't, she said, "What?"

"I saw the mission," he said. "Tony did not see all of the mission footage."

"I saw you kill my Mom and Dad. What else was there to see? The end zone dance? Because I could live without seeing The Winter Soldier do a hip thrust."

Bucky and Steve had both gotten very good at ignoring anything Tony said that they didn't understand. Five times out of ten, it was a pop-culture reference. Four times out of ten, it was technobabble. (The tenth time was instructions on how to turn off the oven, but the structural damage had been minimal.)

"I was sent to kill you," said Bucky.

"Wait. What? Wait." Tony uncrossed his arms and crossed them again. "What?"

The Avenger's turned their heads from Bucky to Tony, like DUM-E watching a tennis match. Thor had let his mead go flat.

"After I killed Howard and Maria, I was sent to assassinate you," Bucky said, in a voice flatter than Thor's mead. "The asset's abilities were not required, but I do not believe my handlers wanted to kill a child."

"I was nineteen!" Tony sounded more offended by that then the assassination attempt. "Anyway, I'm alive. Oh, my god. I'm Harry Potter."

"Don't be ridiculous, Tony. I doubt Hydra tried to curse you to death."

"Yeah, Hydra stopped trying to summon demons after December 23, 1944," Bucky said in a voice that would have been offhand if he had not been talking about Nazi demons.

"Wait a minute," said Tony, and Bucky thought he was going to have to get into the whole Hellboy thing, but then he said, "Cap, you finally read Harry Potter? I put Harry Potter on your Future To Do list months ago."

"Bucky does the voices," said Steve.

"He… does the voices?" Sam sounded shell-shocked.

"Yeah," said Steve, oblivious. "His best is Moaning Myrtle. He does a good British accent. He got a lot of practice teasing Peggy during the war. Although his French accent sucks, and he teased Dernier too."

"French... accent?" He had sounded less shell-shocked when faced with actual shells.

"Uh huh. For Fleur. She and Hagrid both say 'Arry instead of Harry, so Bucky got it wrong when Fleur said goodbye at the end of the book, and he had to give her a smoking habit."

Bucky gave them a look that dared them to ask for a demonstration, so of course, Tony opened his mouth.

"You—"

"Why didn't you complete your mission?" Samantha interrupted. During their first few sessions, she hadn't interrupted Tony, because therapy was about speaking your truth, but she was a fast learner.

"I don't know."

"I thought you said you remembered everything," said Tony.

Bucky clenched his metal hand like he would have been digging his nails into his palm if he had them. "I do remember, but I don't know. When I give missions reports now, you ask why. I don't know why. It didn't have why. It wasn't allowed to have logic. That was for people. It had programming, or it had a glitch."

Steve flinched a little, the way he always did when Bucky reverted to calling himself "it."

"That's okay," said Samantha. "That's what therapy is for. We'll figure out the why together. When you didn't complete your mission, was that programming or a glitch?"

"Glitch," said Bucky. "I knocked myself out."

"What, did you walk into a door?" asked Clint.

"Fist."

"You walked into a fist?"

"Are you saying that you knocked yourself out on purpose?" asked Samantha.

Bucky nodded.

"Had you ever done that before?"

He nodded again. "Many times, before they were satisfied with my level of conditioning. Sometimes afterwards, when I required recalibration. Hydra did not give me a cyanide tooth, because I was too valuable."

Samantha's face was more carefully schooled than Tony Stark. "You were trying to commit suicide?"

Yeah," said Bucky. "Sorry, Stevie."

Steve shook his head. Bucky didn't know whether he was rejecting the apology or reality.

"Well, we should probably cross Emo music off your Future To Do list," said Tony.

"I put one in myself when I broke free in '44," said Bucky. "They were distracted with Hellboy. I didn't try anything with the arm that time, because I thought I had a chance to get away for good. I meant to use the tooth if they ever came back for me. They were too fast."

"Is it still in there?" asked Steve.

"Um..." Bucky made a "say aw" sound.

"Don't check! we'll take you to a dentist."

"I don't like dentists." Bucky pouted, and yeah, Moaning myrtle. They could see it.

"You don't like their chairs. You can sit on a rocking horse for all I care, but you're going." Steve sounded more horrified than when he discovered "Stark Spangled Banner" fanfiction ("discovered," of course, meaning that Tony had told them about it). "I didn't know you got out."

"They lost me in Japan. I joined the Yamaguchi family."

"You joined the Yakuza?" asked Clint. "What, Sanrio wasn't hiring?"

"Is that another Yakuza family?" Bucky asked.

"No. Much stronger."

"Holy shit," said Tony. "Pepper, where's that book on organized crime that Obidiah gave me because he thought he was funny. Wait, what do I need a book for? I have the internet. My dad practically invented the internet."

"Did he also invent Toaster Streudel? asked Bucky,

"You guys watched Mean Girls without me?" Tony sounded genuinely hurt. "Look, there's a picture of the Yamaguchi clan from 1945. Right there. Bucky Barnes."

"They called me Hakujin," said Bucky.

"What does that mean?"

"White guy."

Steve took the book from Tony. "What are they doing?"

"Providing relief support after the bombing of Nagasaki."

"The Yakuza provided relief?"

"Oh, yeah," said Tony. "Earthquakes, tsunamis, you name it. They were often more organized than the government. Of course, they were still vicious criminals, but you know, the cuddly kind."

"I think that might be a conversation for another day," Samantha interrupted him again. "Bucky, are you ready to figure out the why?"

Bucky shrugged and clanked.

"Had Hydra sent you to kill a child before?"

"I was nineteen!"

"No, but I did not process it differently than any other order. If anything, I process it as easier, because the child would be unarmed. And a child." Bucky scrubbed at his face with his metal hand and it came away shinier than usual. "Jesus, Christ. I thought killing children was easier."

"Nineteen!"

"Not you." Steve put his hand on Bucky's shoulder. "If you were the kind of person who thought that, you wouldn't feel bad about it now. That was just how Hydra programmed the Winter Soldier."

Bucky took a deep breath. Samantha had assigned him daily meditation. She had tried to explain that how awareness wasn't about having no thoughts. It was about being aware that there was a self other separate from your thoughts.

She had seemed very sincere, and Bucky didn't have the heart to tell her that he understood it only fractionally better than Tony's technobabble. Mostly, Bucky just breathed because not breathing made it hard to do anything else.

After three or four deep breaths, Bucky said, "Thanks, Stevie."

"End of the line, Buck."

Samantha raised an eyebrow.

"It's their thing," said Tony. "Like "always" in Harry Potter."

"Not you too." Steve groaned. "The Howlies gave us so much shit about that. Especially when they found out we thought "the end of the line" meant the front lines. Turned out it was about trains."

"Well technically…"

"Too soon, Buck."

"Seventy years."

"Too soon."

"Do you have any theories about why you didn't kill Tony?" asked Samantha.

"Well, his music was very loud," said Bucky.

"You knocked yourself out because you didn't like Poison?"

"No, I'm pretty sure they took out the cyanide pill when they got me back," said Bucky. He knew Tony was talking about the band, (One of his handler had been a glam metal fan, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" was almost as bad as "It's a Small World After All," and he wished to God he couldn't remember the outfit they had given him in '88), but for once there was something sadder than Bucky in the room, and that was the fact that Tony remember the song he had been listening to the night his parents died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: If you want to know why Bucky really didn't kill Tony, there might be an answer in "My Cat From Hell." I wrote it as a separate one-shot, but I think the two stories are headcanon-compliant. For an explanation of Stark Spangled Banner, you can read, "What's a Stucky?" or you can Google at your own risk.

**Author's Note:**

> Гондон Condom
> 
> шутят Joking
> 
> Блядь Whore
> 
> Какой же маленький этот мир It's a small world after all


End file.
